My Assignment:
Genre: Comedy
Action: Putting on eyeglasses
Word: member
My Entry:
Specs Make the Man
Captain Hero saved the day; and his alter ego, Mark Flint, was late to work. Stepping out of a phone booth, he tripped and fell right into a woman passing by. Her coffee exploded between them.
“Captain Hero…?!”
“Mark,” he introduced himself.
“But you look just like—”
Mark hadn’t remembered his eyeglasses – his disguise! He whipped them on with inhuman speed.
“—oh,” she said, and didn’t notice the change. “Well, you could be his brother!”
“I get that a lot,” Mark said. “Can I buy you another coffee, Miss…?”
“Call me Aileen.” She smiled. “And that’d be great!”
My Feedback: Thanks for Participating!
(the judges were numbered and anonymous )
Dear Salem Arh,
The feedback from the judges on your 2nd Round submission from the 100-word Microfiction Challenge 2023 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful, and you are proud of the story you created. Thank you for participating, and we hope to see you in a future challenge!
''Specs Make the Man'' by Salem Arh -
WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –
{2138} A lovely light piece of writing with some clear humor underpinning the narrative. I really liked "- his disguise! He whipped them on with inhuman speed"
{1943} 'Specs Make the Man' was a fun story. I liked the idea of a superhero coming out his phone box and forgetting to put on his glasses. This was very cute. The conversation with Aileen was delightful - I smiled at "Well, you could be his brother!" The offer of coffee was adorable - I really wanted to see more of this couple and to find out if he managed to keep his identity a secret. :)
{1980} The narrative arc is well developed in this piece, creating a strong moment of conflict for Mark.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –
{2138} The final line could be a little more punchy and definitive: at present "She smiled. “And that’d be great!” doesn't really add anything to the narrative, and nor does it feel like a succinct ending note for the piece.
{1943} I did wonder about the end of the story - I wondered if perhaps Aileen was a character in Captain Hero's world, but I googled and couldn't find any link. I felt that you presented this final statement with her name as if it was the punchline, but maybe I was wrong?
Perhaps the next step in your writing might be to see where you could add some more adventurous word choices. Maybe you could work in a little more superhero vocabulary as you describe the interaction with Aileen.
{1980} One element that could be further developed is Mark's perspective on Aileen. It would be useful, in heightening the impact of their chance encounter, to see more of his perspective on her earlier on. Does he notice anything about her before she recognizes him, for example? Does she seem friendly, or attractive? What might these details imply about their future coffee date? Perhaps by paring down some of the current imagery in this story, this would leave more room to explore these details.