Guess who’s back. Back again. Salem’s back. Tell your friends.
Here’s another Microfiction Challenge from NYC Midnight. Same rules, as always, but this time I have 250 words instead of just 100. y i k e s. Here we go!
My Assignment:
Genre: Comedy
Action: Kissing a hand
Word: odd
My Entry:
Perfect Match
“How did your date go last week, Ana?”
She was the granddaughter Don never had. Ana smiled. “Amazing!”
Don raised an eyebrow.
“He was genuinely happy to see me, even and kissed my hand! We’ve spent a lot of time getting to know each other, too. He pays such close attention, and he’s such a good listener. I really think he’s the one.”
“Sounds like he’s a gentleman,” Don agreed. “What’s his name again?”
“Jake,” Ana answered.
“Oh, right.”
“His profile was simple, though.” She tapped the screen of her phone. She read, “‘I love hiking, biking, anything outside. I also like staying in to cuddle. I love food! I’ll eat anything you make. I’ll try anything once, as long as we’re together!’”
He chuckled. “You gonna bring him ‘round here?” Don teased.
“He’ll be here soon, actually,” Ana chirped.
The storefront door chimed.
Ana abandoned their conversation. “Finally! Don, come meet Jake!” she called back to him.
Ana hugged a woman Don didn’t know. She held a leash with an enormous, crop-eared mutt at the opposite end. The dog sniffed and licked Ana’s hand before she knelt to give him a thorough petting. His leg kicked. He watched Ana like she’d hung the moon.
“Where’s Jake?” Don asked.
To Don’s odd question, Ana explained, “Jake Gyllenpaw was his name at the shelter. Jake, this is Don!”
Jake pressed his massive snout into Don’s palm, then came his warm, pink tongue.
“He’s such a gentleman...” Don drawled, wiping his hand.
My Feedback: On to Round 2!
(the judges were numbered and anonymous)
Dear Salem Arh,
The feedback from the judges on your 1st Round submission from the 250-word Microfiction Challenge 2021 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and you are proud of the story you created for the challenge. Because you placed in the top 10 of your group, you have advanced to the 2nd Round kicking off at 11:59PM EST (New York time) on Friday, December 17th. Congratulations and best of luck!
''Perfect Match'' by Salem Arh - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY -
{2121} The slow reveal of Jake's identity creates anticipation, and moments of confusion, once Don finally meets him. Once his identity is made apparent, his personal details provided toward the beginning are even funnier in their vague truthfulness.
{1980} The final reveal in this story is very well developed. It's entirely unexpected, honing rich, charming comedy.
{1927} Like the relationship between Don and Ana, the little hint that they're not blood related lets us know they have a strong connection. Sweet revelation at the end.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK -
{2121} How did Ana really remain vague enough this entire time-- since Don knew about this date with Jake from last week-- to not reveal Jake's identity before now? Potentially including a phrase to indicate that would make Don's reaction and confusion even more believable, as well as draw out the suspense of finally meeting him.
{1980} One element that could be further clarified is Don's relationship with Ana. By fleshing out this detail, including the setting, it would help to add greater emotional impact as his expectations for her are flipped on their head.
{1927} Though the set up is fun, maybe a little less of that in exchange of some of Don's reactions. Is he hopeful for Ana? Does he find it odd Jake is coming there so soon? Just an insight or two what he wants for Ana, to further elevate the end reveal.